/some more random thoughts/

A few weeks back in the mountainous areas of Hunan, when it was freezing cold and we had to climb the rocky remains of mountains that were ruined deliberately by explosives (not sure of the reason why) to get to the hotel, I thought I was going to die because the ruins were so slippery, so hard to climb.. the freezing cold weather did not help, and I remembered the fear, panic, adrenaline all mixed up and pumping in my veins; I felt hot and cold at the same time (which wasn't exactly the most comfortable feeling in the world)

So I told myself, I could do this. Hey, I wasn't even at the edge of some cliff. Just trying to climb over some ruins, what's so hard about that?

So I did. (Even though I lost my furry artist cap in the process. But I didn't brood over the loss)

I was so proud of myself at that instant. Prouder than I ever was, not even when I received my PSLE results (L O L)

I'm not sure why I felt like I needed to talk about this, but it was just a harrowing experience in general

/edit:/
I will always remember the lady behind me who supported me with her hands because I looked like (and was really) I was going to fall off the slope. I turned, registered her action and at that instant, I was warm.

finding it tough to put what I'm feeling into words,

I guess I am not liking how the year is shaping out to be/ending

You will be missed...

And you. 谢谢你给的伤痕，我学会了很多

/tired/

resentment

when love turns into frustration, despair, emptiness, and finally, hate

我化了一身浓妆 告诉你我还坚强

(lyrics that came to my mind the moment I got out of bed today) (unwillingly)

I just want to... go back to the times when I was all I thought about. When I was content in my little shell and nothing bothered me.

*repeats mantra that everything happens for a reason*

Sadness & emptiness have left, now I'm just dealing with some annoyance and frustration because, how did that happen? .....perhaps that's why they always say, "Strange things happen."

warm feelings

Thankful for the great company for the past few days- thank you so much for initiating the meeting, even if you had absolutely no idea. Or I might just end up wallowing in sadness/nothingness/

Someday, I will be able to do this on my own 

這世界上有很多種煎熬
而這種煎熬並不算什麽

舍不得短短副歌 心还热着 也该告一段落

Wouldn't say that I'd emerged unscathed. But glad that I have my TVB dramas to lose myself in, as always.

Extremely grateful for the busy day today, even though it still hurts randomly.

“一想起你 忙碌的生活变得空荡荡”

但你也不要太骄傲
总有一天会没事的

HAVE A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Was scrolling through my old posts (AGAIN), because I was just done with changing the background (basically I changed the colour. Now it is a very pale, toned-down kinda pink. What do you call it? Anyway, it is kind of nice to look at. ) & I realised that I did some sort of reflection post last year today?? Lol. Okay I shall make an attempt at that right now since I'm really bored

How do I begin-

(referring to that old post for a clue)

So I talked about new beginnings, Another Chance, ....

I don't know.. this year has been a whirlwind of firsts, emotions, trying, working hard (at least attempts that I think were pretty decent OKAY)

"我们都曾为某个人努力过"

"等一个固执的如果"

sorry, random lyrics popping up everywhere

"Things happen for a reason" -wise ol' B

"Not your loss"

I just want to say a big THANK YOU to all who were there for me all along... y'know. Just showing that you care, even though I know all the while I've been too preoccupied with my own affairs to be concerned about anything else- I'm so sorry, you guys mean more than the world to me. Again feeling so guilty that you guys have always been the ones making the effort to keep in contact, to check on me, ask how I'm doing- while I was lost in my own (meaningless) pursuits, my head up in the clouds for something(one) that(who) probably will not matter 10 years down the road  tomorrow :)

And in the most twisted way, I think what I've just gone through has done me much good
In fact I feel pretty invincible now (LOL)
"老娘啥没做过？？！”-wise ol' B
Perhaps worry about awkwardness next year or something. But hey, things can't get any more awkward right????

Will get myself to read your messages, word by word, sometime. If I can read them without cringing, I'M ALL GOOD :)
may sting from time to time but
what is a little pain gon' do

"but life was so simple then"-R

I can only say that I missed the simplicity dearly. What I would do to recover those lost times



--
I'm aware that I just typed a super random, super messy, super disorganized post
I'm so sorry ahahaha
but I'm really alright

(this is taking less time than I thought. yay)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

Was never important for starters :) Now that makes things easier.

getting over

Perhaps one day you will no longer be the reason I need to blog

以为你懂我也真太傻

从今往后都不要再想起
失忆是我全新的节奏

加油

A little part of me, somewhere, is still grabbing on to that sliver of hope

I take that back. Make that a big part

Never getting over it at this rate lol

Anyway, recorded this today!!!!!!!! It felt sooooooo good


ACTUAL FREEDOM IN 4 DAYS

aaaaaaaaaaaand.... PSEUDO FREEDOM BEGINS :D

A sudden interest in things that I couldn't be bothered about in the past
Strange but I like it

Can't wait for everything to be over OVER
I won't even get out of my bed
You watch me

我们手拉手也成舟 划过悲伤河流

Favourite song of the moment. Lyrics are beautiful

Blessed

In the end there was no closure, it was just an ingenius excuse for escape

Mission aborted

Suddenly remembered the Indian old lady who gestured for me to sit down beside her on the train, some time last year. So distant, but I remembered her smile; her gaze, so kind and warm; as though she's trying to say,  forget whatever unhappiness you have encountered today and come have a seat, my dear. 

Receiving kindness from complete strangers always feels good and gives me the strength I need to make it through the day, week, month 

Thank you 

"remember those walls were built/ well baby they're tumbling down"

Another week has flown by and we're ever closer to exile release

Glad that I haven't had time to think about things that have been bothering me since...... well, forever. The day I remembered how it all used to feel- uncontrollable grins, flutters, daydreaming....... And now, I think it deserves a proper closure

This year, I learnt more about myself. I've learnt to give people a chance, to give myself a chance to break those walls
And that I am actually a pretty courageous person after all (will always remember that super long, super late conversation we had with a smile)

Thank you for being part of my life and for making it memorable before I officially consider myself an adult (damn, I don't want to grow up)

I hope you'll be happy. Be able to do things that you like. Find someone who will remain in awe of you despite the passing of time, someone who finds you different from everyone else

And uhhhh hahaha of course all the best for A's
I always wished I could give you encouragement, make you smile and let you know that someone cares. But I'm hardly in any position to do it, no? I do resent the awkwardness of everything. Sometimes.
(I also hope that you will be reading this and know that I have been meaning to say these to you, for the longest time, but... I guess I'm not as courageous as I thought)

(Perhaps in a parallel universe, we actually have a chance)

Still, it feels good to have a closure
No longer yearning for answers, or being afraid of the answer (that I never got)

Finaaaaaally (aren't you relieved)
I'm not sure if you know this, or if anyone has ever told you this
but
you have beautiful eyes

Thank you for showing that you care, in the most subtle of ways
Thank you for not giving up
Thank you for giving me the strength to pick myself up again

Just went to read some of my old posts from 2012 (man that was a long time ago. I feel ancient) and lemme quote my happy, grateful and hopeful 16-year-old self: "Life is beautiful, and will always be."

It's sad but I have been feeling the exact opposite of whatever the above quote entails these days
It's so bad that when I read it just now, I just wanted to let out a scornful laugh and be like "SERVE YOU RIGHT FOR BEING BLINDLY OPTIMISTIC, B****"

So. Graduation happened once more (my graduation from high school didn't feel all that long ago even though reading my 2012 posts made me feel like an antique) and this time, some sadness really kicked in. This is really the end of something,  though I'm not even sure what exactly. Heart is as empty as ever, with certain regrets and (loads of) dissatisfaction. But time doesn't rewind. 回不去了

So tired of everything

Perhaps in your eyes I don't even deserve that bit of encouragement. So much so that you couldn't even be bothered to hide how glad you are about being relieved of the burden of throwing in words that you probably never meant to say 

I'm so done with all this crap, glad that THE DAY is finally coming. No more endless bus rides, cursing under my breath on stupid trains that look like  they will break down any time. No more worrying about being late and getting the damn card confiscated. No more naivety on my part about things that will never, ever, happen. Not in a gazillion years.  

On the way to finding some life, finally. Realising dreams and nursing the trampled soul back to health

All I need to do is to forget the very thing that gave me warmth

Sometimes it's really easier to tell myself, over and over, that under normal circumstances you're not the type I would do a double take for 

And to just leave it at that. 

I'm not running away, I'm simply saving me from myself

Part of me is hoping that it will be you
But the other part of me is hoping that it won't be


Kind of want to learn to play the piano again

It's okay

Telling others to "drop it" is so easy, but actually doing it for yourself is hard

Still, I'm glad you responded positively to my advice and have made up your mind to get over it 

Rooting for you always guuuuuurl 

如果你願意一層一層一層 的剝開我的心
你會鼻酸 你會流淚
只要你能 聽到我 看到我的全心全意

-Song that's been stuck in my head for most of the day, I'm not sure why 

when you listened and said

"damn nice"

I was surprised/ taken aback/ at a loss for words at that very moment, so I could only smile


I wonder if you could still remember that?

Just want you to know that, I'm thankful for and very touched by your affirmation
Till this very day


Funny how the little things you do always leave me so warmed up inside 
I shouldn't be feeling this way, but 

new song cover for 全世界伤心的人们 （其实不伤心也可以听啦）

HI!!!!!!! Finally did a song cover today (that I think I sound decent in but still far from perfect of course)

That's probably the last cover before the end of A's...... sooooooo please enjoy it (and don't miss my voice too much) (just kidding)

I know I keep saying how much I wish A's will end ASAP, but honestly the thought of being out of school with nothing to do scares me a little... It's like I may well just lose any kind of order in my life and let chaos take over... kinda thing

You don't understand, do you?

Have a good weekend! (or whatever that's left of it) xx

最亲爱的 最冷漠了

so full of feels for this song nowadays. It's funny because it only felt like I was feeling the song when the MV came out. Sooooo. MVs are really important. haha

Really thankful for little things in life, like a totally unanticipated message wishing me the best and asking me to upload more covers- haahahha that request made me smile yes I totally should will look into doing one on thursday-- these things give me strength, you have no idea how much their fill up my (otherwise relatively empty) heart with gratitude and warmth

Apart from that I've only just recently come to a realisation that with the passing of time, we really learn to care a little less (or maybe start to accept how things really are and hence, stop bothering ourselves about them.) So I believe that things will only get better from here

It's almost mid-week hang in there everyone!!!!!!!!!

Already frothing to the mouth with anticipation (HAHAHAHAH just got reminded of the time when I used this expression in my essay for blocks and tutor was like ???????!!! hahahahahahahahha) about the end of prelims. The mere thought of 10.30am tmr excites me. No, really. Even though technically it isn't the end of prelims and there are still MCQs to angst about but HEY. I'd gladly do MCQs all day err day (if you make me choose between those and open ended questions that is)

(I know there is no sane justification for my excitement about the end of prelims because something worse is coming up BUT JUST LET ME LIVE IN THE MOMENT OKAY)

Actually that's about it today's been a pretty good day

Confusion with a lot of some pain isn't the greatest feeling in the world

lol just a  random thought
if there were really a pill that could wipe all bad feelings and memories clean, I'd gladly take it

But again I think there would usually be a condition that comes with it? Like ummm. If you take it ALL your memories will be wiped clean. Or something like that. And you'll end up sadder because you can't remember a single thing from your life

Awwwww damn. Now that's really sad.

I guess the way to go is to live with it? Time will pass and what hurts at the moment will feel like nothing in time to come.

Once read this somewhere: "You don't stop loving someone, you simply learn to live without them."

Not saying that it's in any way relevant (maybe half of it. lol) But it's very inspiring (????? vocab bank running dry nowadays another thing I'm so sad about) because I feel pretty empowered when I read it? Probably why I could still remember it after so long (I can forget about things that I've said 3 seconds ago. Go figure) It's a little like, yeah, I'm going out to be my Miss Independent. That kinda feeling.

Most days when I'm not caught up in mind-numbing revision I just wish I could go back to those times when I didn't have to care about anything other than getting my hands on yet another Jacqueline Wilson novel (favourite childhood author EVER.) And ok, maybe I don't have to go waaaaaaaay back to those carefree primary school days. Maybe just. Those days when my heart didn't feel so empty half the time. (It's ironic. How's it possible that your heart could still feel so empty while it's being occupied??? *cue wrist-slitting music* )

Plus it's annoying when you start spending every spare moment you have wondering about things. It's like I've stopped giving myself love, stopped being productively idle with myself

Anyway, you could say that I really miss being me. Being with myself

Just gonna end this extremely pointless post with yet another something that I've read somewhere (sorta gathering dust in the dark recesses of my mind sooooo) : "Love yourself, you are all you've got."

So darn true

If I could go back in time I'd warn myself about you and perhaps prevent myself from ending up in this ridiculous but simultaneously, incredibly miserable situation 

However I still believe that all things happen for a reason. And after careful deliberation I realise that it wouldn't have happened if it were somebody else. So I guess this means something 

每一个人，都在等一个人。

my favourite song at the moment. Just can't get enough of the lyrics

最近常常想起沈佳宜在《那些年》里说的一句话：“人生本来就有很多事是徒劳无功的啊。“

不知为何，我对那句话的印象格外深刻。

也许是因为我可以体会到那句话的真实度…… 虽然不确定是否会有收获，但我们还是勇敢地面对每一次的试炼；诚恳、执着地爱着；不求回报、忘我地付出。

（我想看《等一个人咖啡》！！！！！！！！）

致青涩的我

Been looking through old photos a lot, basking in old but happy memories, taking multiple trips down the memory lane not because I have nothing better to do, but because I just feel like it

They make me smile so much, I'm not sure why nostalgia chooses to hit me at this point. Perhaps it's because subconsciously, I know that a chapter of my life is about to end and a new chapter is about to unfold (honestly I have never really thought of it that way. Really. But yeah. Subconsciousness) and I want to hold on to those memories, the past that shaped me into the person I am today. I don't want to forget who I was and who I am, no matter who I become in the near future.

It's sad that I've drifted apart from some of the people whom I used to be so close to, albeit for a short period of time. But I'll never forget the wonderful times we had together. Thank you for being part of those lovely memories that still tug at my heartstrings and make me smile so widely.

And to my secondary school-early J1 (??) self: I'm sorry for hating you so much. I'm sorry for not being appreciative, always finding fault and overwhelming you with harsh criticism. 如果时光可以倒流，我想对青涩的自己说：其实你笑的时候真的很美。能做最真实的自己就已经足够了。Looking back, I'm glad I found Blogilates & Bubz on YouTube when I was feeling the most vulnerable and insecure about who I am. Cassey taught me that healthy living & regular workouts aren't things that you do for the sake of vanity alone-- it is a lifestyle, a way of living, a way of feeling good. Nowadays, I find more reason to set time aside for working out because it is no longer about the number on the scale. It is about me. My health. My emotions.

Bubz taught me that happiness can be simple. To be kind to yourself and kind to others. To accept and love yourself for who you are, and do the same for people around you.


从”青涩”到"成人“， 从“懵懵懂懂”到“比较懂”，这路上虽然有苦涩，但也有满满的感动与感触…… 不管你是否已经离开、终究会选择远走，或者愿意为我而停留，我都衷心地感谢你曾在我的生命中留下了涟漪。不管是好是坏，一切都已成了过去，还是谢谢你让我长大了。

说了这么多，希望没闷死大家…… 有些话若现在不说，将来也许会淡忘

在找到答案之前，先听听文音的声音吧~~ 好好听

最近很认真地想了许多事情，却无法下一个坚定的结论。

应该成全谁的梦想？应该替谁着想？应该往哪走？

也许是我没事找事情让自己折腾。我也不太清楚了。

虽然清楚地知道自己想要什么、向往什么，却总是犹豫不决，因为…… 

有太多别的因素、事情需要考量。

讨厌自己三心二意，讨厌自己总拿不定主意，讨厌自己执着却缺乏勇气

（我怎么用中文打了一堆的字啊。我的天~ 不好意思啦。）

enlightenment ????

A few things that I've come to understand and appreciate over the course of a few weeks (preparing for bts, umm nope maybe more like panicking and hating myself for being such a successful procrastinator. l o l )

1. We don't realise many things, even though they have been right there, boring holes in our faces the whole time. Others realise them way sooner than we do, and try to warn us about them, but of course, we never really listen to what they want to say. We always thought that listening to ourselves was the most correct thing in the world to do. But turns out that we are wrong. Of course. Sometimes we have to listen to the opinions and judgement of others. We may not like it, but that doesn't make them any more wrong than we are when we decide to only listen to ourselves.

2. It is pointless and a complete waste of time to try to be something you are obviously not made to be. Or worse, trick yourself into believing that you can turn into that something with sufficient time and dedication. Great things take time to materialize, right? Wrong.

3. Listen to your mother. She is always (or 99% of the time) right. Whether you like it or not.