museanddiffuse.wordpress.com

For all you loyal readers!

”四郎，那年杏花微雨，你说你是果郡王，也许从一开始便都是错的。“

—— 熹贵妃 《甄嬛传》

有些事，就是过了一万年也不会变

如今，事过境迁，已淡忘了从前的执着、淡忘了为何要执着。只是谁又晓得，每每外头飘着细雨、每每那熟悉的旋律在耳边响起，我仍怀念当时的美好、当时的不顾一切。

想了又想，还是觉得一切的发生都很值得。即便没有渴望的结局。

Almost a year later, resentment falls away and pity takes over- for the first time. Perhaps you can now understand my turmoil then, and feel just that pinch of regret. Perhaps you are now plugged into your earphones, losing yourself in music, wishing that none of it is real. Now your tears are falling, crystal-clear droplets of pity for yourself
of resentment towards reality

That's alright, let's call it quits.

After a reluctant (and at times, painful) void of-5? 6? years- I have finally gotten myself in the write frame of mind. (oh so punny! ha ha)

It is as tough as I had imagined it to be- there is no momentum, no flow, and often I stopped myself and wondered if this is worth any of my time at all?

It was the first time that warmth descended- laughter, chatter all around, surrounding us like a soft light would caress a halo. 

Time and again I had to remind myself (with some force) that life has been kind to send you guys to me. From that time on I needed no further affirmation or consideration: I am, indeed, unmistakably, irrefutably, blessed.

If I were to be completely honest with myself I admit that I had never felt compelled to put in much of an effort to know you better. And if you ask me why, I'd say it's probably because I'd imagined a barrier between us that can never be broken down no matter how hard either of us tried; something to do with, perhaps, the perfection I see in you; how I will never have the motivation to seek that kind of perfection, and hence will have no business whatsoever with anyone with that level of perfection.

What kind of warped logic is that? Today I want to say that I'm very sorry. I hope there's still time to change things.

人生如逆水行舟 不进则退

过往已渐渐模糊，从前的感伤被岁月浓浓的白雾遮掩，直到‘感伤’悄悄地离开。

I have (almost) forgotten the silent trauma that pw had put me through, trauma that I only knew existed when I started having recurring dreams of a second round of pw presentation, forgetting my lines on the day of the presentation, and only remembering that I had a presentation on the morning of the assessment (good lord.)

Today I stood by the white pillar that strangely enough (or not) looked like a tree trunk. Facing some unfamiliar, yet somewhat familiar faces, I began my ordeal. It went smoothly enough- I was smiling, everyone else laughing at all the right places. Nobody (I hope) saw how badly my thighs were shaking under my black skirt. Nobody heard the palpitations of my heart as I gushed naturally (as quoted from the evaluation session) about how lovely it is to read on the toilet bowl.

And suddenly, it was over.


With all the gratitude that my heart can hold, I thank every single one of you who had shown me encouragement and support during the ordeal; I still cannot quite reason with speeches. I can't say I will ever like delivering them, but I do have faith that one day, it will stop feeling like an ordeal. One day it will feel like the most natural part of my life. One day it will feel like I am just downing a glass of whisky and keeping it down.

Here's to a happy (almost) end of the school week xx

Her lashes fluttered.

It's okay to wake up now, someone whispers.

When she finally opens her eyes, the person is gone. What remains is the faint earthy scent that hangs in the air like a suspended string of pearls; colours blooming, leaves bejeweled with fresh dew drops that seem to sparkle as rays of the sun beam through. 

刚刚在找笔记本的我偶然发现自己15岁的周记，虽是写给老师批改的却可以感觉到自己下笔的热忱与诚恳。好感动，不知何时才可以有机会这样轻松地下笔~ 谢谢老师认真地为我改错别字、说我写得好，我想15岁的自己也是靠着这些鼓励的字眼，才有勇气面对恐怖的理工科和从四面八方愤愤而来的压力，一直坚持到现在~ 此刻的我心是暖的，没想到泛黄的文字竟然可以带给我无穷的安慰~ 加油，我们行的

Who would've known
Some years later nothing brings more comfort than feeling a new sketchbook, listening to the sound of graphite scratching on paper; I like to think of it as graphite dancing, molecules that eventually settle in their final poses on the dance floor- paper, to form the final masterpiece.

I often catch myself agreeing with myself that perhaps, just perhaps, this new life isn't as bleak as it had first presented itself to be. Cliche as it may sound, every cloud indeed has a silver lining. There is now time to muse about random things (like what I'm currently doing), recall my love for the written word, go outdoors to soak up the sun while attempting to do on-site sketching (it is more exciting than it sounds. I promise)...and the list goes on. While I still believe that whoever said uni life is easier is lying his ass off, I'm grateful for random opportunities here and there that allow me to recline into my kind of comfort and recharge before returning to the daily grind that, more often than not, puts me in a kind of black mood that even I can't comprehend

Here's to a great week ahead everyone xx

"I know so many last words. But I'll never know hers." -John Green, Looking For Alaska

May we all seek solace in the fact that peace will never part with you again, and that you are set free from the brunt of daily life

It reaches out to grab you just when you think it's asleep forever

It pricks you, ever so gently, and you wonder if you have imagined it all

Then you listen, and there it is-

Trickle, trickle, trickle

Steady and continuous

Ruby teardrops falling

Build a bridge over the dark and bitter waters, and walk across it 

--

I still recall how trips to kino had placed a spring in my step, a sparkle in my eye. For the longest time I had envisioned myself lounging in that cosy corner where children's books were placed, novel in my lap and savouring every moment as sunlight streamed through the glass windows and tinted my hair golden.

"What is the meaning of existence"

"WE EXIST FOR MEAT BUFFET" 

..

Uninspired of late, wondering

what it means to exist at all?

Awakened

They crept out of the darkness with rehearsed stealth
one, two, three
Seized before a scream could escape her throat
Time has never been a catalyst for change, love.

Old skeletons tumbling out from the crevasses, where cobwebs have long formed-

Disillusioned, disappointed, done

Things went off tangent since a long time ago

But no one had the heart to address it

Even though not everyone is here to stay, it doesn't hurt to live in the moment & enjoy ourselves

:) 

song of the moment

Everything just comes together so very nicely

--

Random updates: Yesterday was the first ever, and probably the last waitressing shift I'd ever do in my life. Mopping the whole damn restaurant left me with a throbbing head and sore limbs. Shall not go on in case I start to sound like an underworked spoilt princess, but yeah. No more of that

Hope you're all right over at your side
All will pass quickly enough, just make the best out of it :)

I've just been inspired to blog properly (less of the abstract nonsense & more about daily life perhaps) so here goes!!!!

(maybe, just maybe, I should get a Dayre. haha)

Just had a lazy breakfast at macs with mom (omg this is so weird I feel like I'm back in primary writing a diary entry) & then we went frolicking around the pasar malam. hahahahah

(temporarily distracted by tutee's msg saying that she screwed up her paper. WHYYYYYY)

Anyway, (here comes a bit of the more heavy-hearted stuff)-
met this classmate of mine yesterday and it was such a nice surprise because I don't think she lives around here??? I'm so glad she said hi :))) It's strange, but I never knew I'd miss seeing classmates around until school was officially over. Lol. Now I feel all sad and whiny. But point is, wish I'd bothered to know some people better- and also sorry if I ever had the wrong idea about you. Sigh.

Meeting hoobae later yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas so excited

Sometimes I wish I knew the right thing to say, the appropriate emotions to reveal, the right things to feel

It's been a reall y long time! Does anyone visit this space at all? Haha.




And here's something from me recently- entered this into a singing competition organized by Strepsils (The Right Note). Please take a moment to listen & if you like it, please vote for me (Letitia Koh) here! You can vote up to 3 times a day until 16 May 2015 :)

Alrighty have a good night people xx

So much for finding repose and going back to how it used to be. It's frightening that the slightest nudge could cause me to lose my balance and hence make a (reluctant) trip back down into that frightening, cold, dark, deep ditch

Still, that was too much of a coincidence. But I've trained myself to not over-think. Ah, the peril of all perils.

Ending off with my favourite phrase to describe life and staying alive- C'est la vie 

Too precious to be concluded by a mere blog post,
But thank you


Always alive in spirit :)

Quick post before I head off for a shower!!! (It's extremely late, I know)


 

So just now in the process of recalling what I did during a secondary school sabbatical, THIS^ came to my mind HAHAHAHAHA. The moment I put it on, boy, those memories. It's super nostalgic, but strangely comforting :) It's like coming home after a long camp trip. Or something along those lines. Do you getz?

Many many many (exciting) things coming up which I really hope will turn out nicely!! & please excuse me, but I have to gush a little about how insanely glad I am to have left that ninetofive- so much more time to think about stuff & work on things I used to not have time & energy for. Haha.

Oh, and my apologies if you happen to be my neighbour and can now hum that song in your sleep... or feel like puking whenever you hear that song.. or both ;) Really sorry! But can't! Help! It!

Right off to shower no more procrastinating!!!!!!!!

Really exhausted but I think I'll still manage a post before washing up & calling it a day. Yep

This week was pretty cray! Loads of running around and being responsible for commitments (which I'm not complaining about, I actually don't mind them) & meeting & catching up with the people who matter :) Thanks all for keeping me sane amidst this whole living thing. There are times when I think to myself, I'm really just staying alive because you guys exist *_* And before you start thinking, are you suicidal????!!, let me assure you, no I'm not. Just that without you guys I won't have no motivation to be alive, y'know? I may just decide to hide under my covers forever hahaha

Pretty glad for this longass (is there such a word? idk) break because now I finally have the luxury of time to make up for the lost days (actually not really was just musing to H how I have never felt so busy in my whole life- which is ironic and kinda says something about what I did with my school life. HAHA.) and to be in the mood to appreciate... things & people worth appreciating I suppose. It's a great feeling

Insanely happy about my last day of rotting in the office which happened yesterday. It was a short, uhm, stint??? Idk if that's the word for it, but anyway it was enjoyable (while it lasted) (actually, no it wasn't enjoyable, more like boring to the CORE but people were nice and that's all that mattered so thanks all for your care & for teaching me all that stuff)

(I like typing in brackets so much)

Everyday I remind myself to count my blessings in an attempt to feel blessed
Getting closer now

Results happened and I won't bother going into all that jazz.. because before you know it I'll be going all cliché and be like, "Oh, this is just the beginning." "Oh, what are results, you have a whole life before you!!!!!!" *cue Disneyland music* I'll spare your ears.

Just want to say thank you (I begin my paragraphs like that a lot don't I) to all for your kind comments about how I look etc etc, too much flooding in all at once I gathered I must have looked pretty bad back in school huh xD Haha just kidding! Yeah, thanks all for being lovely, even random aunties who only mean well :) Also want to add that (warning: more cliché ahead) this kinda thing is really only skin deep (I refuse to use the B word because I don't think I'm all that), it doesn't help me grow as a person- it's all very deceiving and superficial, but I'll be looking like that for a while because I don't want to scare the living daylights out of unsuspecting people :)

If that was too confusing to read, do avert your eyes.

Some random thoughts:-
I think I never learn my lessons. Even after learning them the hard way previously.

I really hope you are not responding not because you are in the midst of a breakdown, but because you don't want to

There goes the end of my awkward post. Bye.

Fear of disappointing & disappointment

Hoping that all will be well for everyone tomorrow xx

Been feeling happy all day.... would've been perfect if Monday didn't exist -________- So it's a mix of happiness and jumpy feels lol

Just want to say thank you for the effort to make conversation, your smiles, offering me stuff.. it's overwhelming because I never expected someone to be so.. caring? It's so overwhelming that sometimes I find myself at a loss about how to respond-

Because of you I'm finally out of that ditch I dug for myself (and voluntarily jumped into it), so just. Thank you. :)

Holy crap I just realised that my laptop has been in sleep mode since last night -________________-

Anyway! It's been a great day, even though there was a teeny weeny mini tiny hiccup (or two) somewhere in the middle... have to remind myself to watch it when I try to say something. LOL. That's probably why I choose to shut the hell up most of the time
Silence=no drama. Period.

Also insanely happy about the fact that......... I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT! ACHIEVED NIRVANA. TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT *CUE MANTRAS* ahahahahaha anyway, that wasn't hard to figure out. One would naturally be drawn to warmth and smiles.. forgive me if I'm mistaken. I still don't understand why it was so hard for us to converse like humans do but I guess I have no desire to understand it any more. THIS SISTA RIGHT HERE HAS STOPPED CARING IN ENTIRETY. I think I deserve a round of applause!!!!!!

I know I'm so over it when there wasn't any more desire to walk the extra mile (LIKE LITERALLY!) to buy strawberry/chocolate milk from the supermarket, just in case I walk into you

I took the stairs just for you. Just so I won't lose you in the seas of people

And what did you do?

How is it possible to feel so empty when the days are obviously filled

Probably in need of a break from life and those thoughts that are better off swept under the carpet/locked away in some dungeon

I'm so tired from doing nothing ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

--

Nonsense aside, I'm so glad for the reconciliation- shoutout to Z if you are reading this! Time to relive those fun, happy & carefree times- indeed, we were so young :) (And I'm just going to spoil this by stating the fact that I currently feel like a bag of eighty-year-old bones)

Sigh

Finally got myself to do Blogilates again after what felt like a million years (probably about half a year- not sure) and I was just thinking to myself, perhaps what somebody told me before was right- you may not need a better man, but you deserve a better self. Time to treat yourself right before anyone else can. :)

Also a bunch of people came over today, and once again I was overwhelmed by the rapid passing of time. I used to think that CNY gatherings are strange & awkward because technically, you're having a bunch of people whom you have not seen for a year or more over at your place, all of them incredibly interested in what you're up to recently- it just came across to me as unnatural and, well, plain awkward. However this year I am actually glad that the gathering happened, because today I was aware of how my 姑姑s are getting on their years (they had some trouble with remembering my name, bless them, but a name is just a name, no biggie) and there is just this lingering regret that I haven't been spending enough time with them & doing enough (or anything at all) to let them know that they are actually my favourite part of the extended family (sorry peeps).

Perhaps it's high time to stop whatever "inner turmoil" that is eating me up from the inside and start to pay more attention to people who actually love and care about me

It's easy to order myself to do so (have done it countless times already), but to actually go about doing it is 1000000000x harder 

I try, I try

I always do 

It still gets to me how you recognized that flaw the moment I asked you that (rather strange) question. Even though I immediately told you that you are mistaken, and no that's not the issue, deep down, I was pretty amazed that you knew. And today I want to tell you thank you for your advice. I know that. I know that I'm lacking that (even though according to some, I come across as a really confident person. But hell. No :) )

Funny how the random vlog that I put on to listen to as I type out this post happens to be about confidence. Listening to Remi is just... incredibly therapeutic.

Just a random question to ponder about- what if someone you really love does something that makes you feel tremendously disappointed in them? Do you brush it off, just because they are extremely important to you?

I never knew the day would come but here it is. I have to say I quite miss those sleepy, stuffy days in school. JC to be exact. The days when we (W & I) dragged ourselves to the hs canteen, heavy bags in tow, no matter how merciless the sun was. The days when I complained about the seemingly endless work and lack of sleep. Sigh. Those days.

Also the days when I

Not worth mentioning/talking about anymore. Time to accept the fact that time doesn't stop for anyone and pack those feels back in

Feeling like this perhaps of what is to come in 2 weeks

The hall. Packed like sardines, cheering and clapping going on all around.

I flicked my eyes on the seemingly excited crowds, uninterested. Bored.

Suddenly I catch sight of you- I fixated my eyes on your side profile a little longer, wondering if I should initiate a conversation, at the same time trying to reconcile with the fact that the person I was seeing right then- just as stony-faced, uninterested as I was- was the very same person I chatted with on the train, incessantly, just two nights ago.

Nope. No resemblance at all. Zilch. Nada.

I thought better of it and went back to twiddling with my thumbs.

--

Present day: I always wonder if things would have been different if I'd tried to talk to you that day, in that noisy, crowded mess of a hall.

Then I stop myself in my tracks because there are no what ifs to seek solace in.

During these nights where sleep deserts me, long and lonely train rides that give me bizarre migraines, I try to recall the times that I ever had any form of interaction with you, and engrave them, detail by detail, word by word, in the enclaves of my heart. I find myself pondering about the purpose of it all, but found none.

Sometimes, we don't need any reason at all

Accept and forgive what has been done, and m o v e o n 

Aaaaa I have no idea how to begin-

Today was fabulous like a cupcake with cherry and icing on top I mean, a new wardrobe!!! Lol. I realised that I don't really find cupcakes fabulous. So here goes.

Thanks for today~ Making up for lost times, indeed. But it was like nothing ever changed. As though secondary school just happened yesterday. As though we were still fully decked out in white, laughing our way to the school gate-

So glad that I managed to drag my lazy bum out of the house to meet you :) Just. Thank you.

Have a great week ahead everyone xx

那天和你傻笑着认识 是最幸福的事

Because it was my first day of my first ever job I thought it deserves a proper post. So here goes.

After work- was reminded so much of that day, also the very first day, two years back. Smiles, hellos exchanged, acknowledgement that we do have some mutual friends- some random chatter about humanities and how hard it was to score (???), where we lived (I got the direction all wrong, ha ha ha), how I've heard of you since a long time ago (more laughter).

Regretfully, after that fateful day, everything else was a blank
Couldn't really remember what really happened
Until perhaps early last year when you finally made me remember that you! actually! exist!

But now I have to (try very hard to) forget your existence again

Fast forward to present day- life goes on. I am complaining about work already. Feeling the kind of fear (of screwing up/ embarrassing myself) that I know all too well. Feeling incompetent. But still alive.

It's Friday tomorrow! Have a great weekend xx

Newest cover I did last evening~ I promise I will get a mic soon. LOL like seriously.

That's it for now

Dramatic and unexpected turn of events

1. Never try to be a prophet
2. You ain't no angel, you never had two glowing haloes above your head

Good night/morning :)

So I've decided that pointless posts are no longer the way to go. Hence I shall try something slightly different today (and hopefully it'll be interesting lol lol lol!!)

Anyway, relentless slacking at home has prompted me to, well, do something more constructive with my life, apart from battling annoying people on Carousell. After flopping and flailing around for a bit I found myself on YouTube.. and PROCRASTINATING QUEEN STRIKES ONCE MORE. The original plan was to find a movie and watch the movie like a good girl (without fiddling with my phone in the middle of it) but um. I sort of started listening to my playlists and drowning in the misery of it (happily) (sorry I couldn't help myself)

ANYWAY 1000000001 YEARS LATER, I FINALLY GOT MYSELF TO SIT DOWN TO WATCH THIS MOVIE THAT WAS DEEMED THE MOST TOUCHING MOVIE OF 2014 (IF I REMEMBER IT CORRECTLY)

(hang on let me find it)

omg I can't find it anymore??!??!

Anyway here's the trailer:



Basically it's about this divorced couple who lost their toddler to a kidnapper guy (who, strangely enough, brought up the toddler like his own. But that's besides the point), found the toddler years later (who really was no longer a toddler by then), only to realise that their joy would turn out to be rather short-lived. Because having their son back had too many implications and involved too many- the woman (Mr. Kidnapper's wife, starring Vicky Zhao) who brought up their son believing that he was abandoned, and whom their son called "妈妈"; the baby sis who couldn't be separated from 哥哥; that irritable old guy who was the head of the state-governed (???) orphanage;
Anyway, the whole thing was either hurting or annoying people who were somehow or another involved-
Oh no this is going off-tangent again
ALRIGHT I will put my thoughts in point form, perhaps what I want to say can be conveyed in a clearer and more organized manner-

Takeaways From The Movie (I feel like I'm back in primary writing a composition):
-anguish
-very real, and shocking realisation that there are, indeed, many different permutations of anguish in this world; and what I may have felt/am feeling/will feel is probably close to nothing as compared to that of the poor parents in the movie
-No matter what the law dictates, how humane is it to take the children away from the poor woman (Vicky Zhao's character), who depended on her children for mental courage as much as a pirouetting ballerina depended on a focal point (on the wall)?
-everybody hurts (so clichéd, but so true)

That's about it for now. Oh and if I didn't bore you to death already, the movie is called 《亲爱的》
Probably not your thing if you're only a sucker for romance though.

There's no one else like you- indeed, because everyone is unique

"won't work out anyway"-yep, because the most perfect plan could go horribly wrong even at the last minute, second, millisecond

How'd know when you'd never tried-some things are better left unknown (..untried?)

Here. Sensible, rational responses to every inch of doubt.

[p.s. the river bank at Raffles Place actually looks like a rather awesome place to chill. Will go there alone someday]

Still tears me apart sometimes
Counting down to happier days

Pain in my subconscious state 

As acute as ever, if not more 

Something I've been meaning to say for the past week, but didn't-
SCREW YOU ADULT FARE

Today's been... eventful? I suppose. Thankful for the laughter, company, everything

It felt like a trip down memory lane (even tho jc didn't happen too long ago. Hahaha. Nope.)

Same bus, rainy day, alone, same feels, same thoughts,
Maybe not, since things are clearly different now

Hiding a love

Or hiding a lie 

/random thoughts

I always liked long bus rides (not train rides thank you very much. Too cramped and well-lit to think properly) because I could just curl up in my corner and relish in whatever misery I could cook up (plugged in to my music of course). It's the best feeling in the world. Nobody can, or will bother you. You're just left to your own thoughts. Really appreciate that kind of quiet and calm haha.

(Which is also why I don't give a second thought about being hostile to unwanted company on the bus)

(haha)

(please take note of the underlined word in bold!!!!)

I only relished in the misery because it was my last possible connection with you, if ever. And now that (actually it's been quite a while) even my body has decided that it's sick of the misery, and that it misses having an appetite, I'm really feeling a little upset.
Occasionally emptiness sets in
I hate to admit this, but the initial misery really felt good

Thank you for showing up in my dream last night

On hindsight, the occurrence was strange because I never knew you personally... but you said that you recognised me. And you gave me a hug, saying that you are alright now. Even joked about how everyone is saying that they will never see you again. In that dream I wasn't freaked at all. I was so relieved to see you (again).

I believe you are in a better place now, cliche as it sounds (and it indeed is).

Funny how I could remember the details of the dream so clearly
At least I did not wake up in tears this time round :)

於是, 一瞬間便成了永遠

你們好幸福 :)